My Reawakening

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Have you ever set goals for yourself and fallen short? Have you ever had an idea or vision for yourself, for your life, and then talked yourself out of it? Told yourself you aren’t good enough? Convinced yourself that you could never accomplish that thing? Fed yourself lies?

Boy-oh-boy, am I guilty of this! More times that I can count on one hand.

Let’s talk about this blog, for instance. Last fall, I started writing this blog. I had just lost my mom, after caring for her for more than five years, and I was consumed with grief and sorrow. I’ve always loved writing; in fact I wrote a very successful blog during our five year journey with her brain disease and found it therapeutic and fulfilling in many ways. After losing her, I wanted to continue writing but not necessarily about dementia day in and day out. I needed something positive to fill my time and to keep my mind busy and in a good place. I felt that this new blog could help me get through my grief by turning my focus on things that make me happy. And maybe, just maybe, inspire others along the way with stories of other women who are “making lemonade” out of their lemons.

What initially began as a hobby soon became a passion and even an obsession. I was devoting hours everyday to my blog, writing 3-4 posts a week and loving every minute of it. I joined a Facebook group on how to monetize a blog and turn that passion into a career. I had visions and goals of how I wanted this blog to grow, what I wanted it to become. It was exciting to dream but also overwhelming to put my dream into action. I started following other bloggers. I looked and their successes and the amount of readers they had, their writing style and topics and I thought, “I’m not good enough to do this. There’s no way I can have a blog this successful”.

I fell into that trap of comparison and self-doubt. I started telling myself  that I wasn’t capable of writing anything meaningful; convincing myself that nobody really wants to read what I have to write anyway. 

And so, I did what I seem to do best. I pulled back. I got busy with other things that eventually took priority over my dreams of writing. I used those things as an excuse of why I couldn’t do what I really wanted to do, writing.

I was struggling to balance all of the things I had going on: my blog, my family life, my sewing business, my volunteer work at church and the non-profit that I run. By spring, I found myself in the thick of planning our big, annual gala event for the foundation and consequently, my big plans and ideas for my blog got put to the back burner. I was drowning in responsibilities every where I turned and with each day that passed by that I went without blogging, the easier it became to let it slip away. Nobody missed me anyway.

But I missed me. I missed the creative expression of sharing the things that I am passionate about in life. I missed taking pictures of my tutorials, writing stories of other women that I found to be inspiring. Most of all, I missed my dreams.

Recently, I read a book that has become sort of a game changer for me. It relit my fire and caused me to reflect a lot on myself as a person, and the lies that I tell myself that hold me back from accomplishing my goals. The book is called “Girl, Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis.

First, let me say that every woman should read this book! Whether your goals are career oriented, family oriented, spiritually oriented, etc., there is most definitely something beneficial for you in it! I don’t even think that I can give a worthy description of all that this book encompasses, so just take my word for it; if you are need of any kind of encouragement or motivation, read this book! Rachel’s writing style is so entertaining. She is funny and witty and relatable and motivational all at the same time.

The message of her book is in the tagline on the front cover: “Stop believing the lies about who are you are so you can become who you were meant to be.”

Each chapter uncovers lies that we tell ourselves: lies that we aren’t good enough, lies that we are bad mothers or wives, lies that other people are more capable that we are. She uses her own experiences as examples and outlined a few simple things that she has learned along the way to help her overcome each of these lies.

As I read this book, I began to realize many, many things about myself. One of the big things is that I let my fear of failure hold me back far too often in life. I talk myself out of so many things, because I am sure that I will fail. I look at other people’s successes and think that I am not capable of the same. I minimize my own successes. I am afraid to put my goals and dreams into writing or admit them aloud, because I will look foolish if I fall short.

Here’s an example: I am writing a book. Eek, I just typed that out loud! How many people know that I am writing a book? Probably not too many. Why? Because I fear that I will fail, so I keep it to myself. I doubt myself that I am capable of finishing, let alone finding a publisher interested in selling it and an audience to read it!

Naturally, Chapter 14, entitled The Lie: I’m a Terrible Writer really struck a chord with me (although, just about every chapter struck a chord with me…but this one especially!). Rachel very openly shares all of her failures. With her first book, she turned in a manuscript to every publisher she could find, only to be rejected by each and every one. Rather than give up on her dream, she decided to go the self-publishing route. What started out as a few sales has grown to over a hundred thousand copies today (and still selling!) This book that she recently wrote is a New York Times Bestseller! Had she given in to the discouragement, she would’ve never known such success!

How many times do we admit defeat before we’ve given ourselves a fair chance? Because we think we’ve failed? Because we feed ourselves the lies that we aren’t good enough?

Reading her book has reawakened many of my goals and dreams. The past few months have been really difficult for me. With the anniversary of my mom’s death, and reflecting on the past year, I feel like I’ve given up on myself a little. I have been so confused about the direction I want to take in life and what I should be doing; confused about what and who I am meant to be. I may not have 100% clarity on all of those things yet, but I feel like my soul has been renewed and I at least have an idea. It’s up to me and only me to finish down this path of self-discovery and fulfill my dreams. I can’t hold myself back any longer!

So, if all goes well, you should be hearing a lot more from me. Maybe you’ll like to read what I write and maybe you won’t. But I am determined to not let my fear of failure, and my fear of what others think, hold me back from doing what I love!

Girl, do yourself a favor and get this book today! I promise, you won’t regret it!