Beauty & The Beast

I’m a big believer that God knows what you need in your life, when you need it.

It was over a year and a half ago that my friend, Tammy, told me that our church would be putting on another play (we’ve done several over the years but it had been a few years since the last one). She was assigned as one of the producers of the show and it would involve our entire stake (a “stake” is a geographical boundary incorporating several wards, or congregations). They weren’t certain about what show they’d be doing, but she asked me in what capacity I’d be willing to be involved in the production. At that time, I was still caring for my mom and as much as I wanted to be involved, I couldn’t commit to anything because my whole life was up in the air.

A few months later, Tammy told me the show they had selected was Beauty and the Beast. I was excited but more so for Aubrey than for myself. I wouldn’t be able to commit, but I could always make arrangements for my theatre daughter to be involved and what a fun show to be a part of! Auditions wouldn’t be for a-whole-nother year, May 2018.

As it all turned out, my mom passed away a few months later, at the end of that July. I spent the better part of that following year mourning and grieving my loss. I know I’ve shared this before, but it has been a difficult year, working through the cycle of grief and figuring out what to do with my life now that all my kids are in school and I no longer have my mom to help care for. My life took a complete 180 degree turn and I have struggled to find myself and to find my joy.

Meanwhile…production meetings for the show were in full swing, and Tammy kept reminding me when auditions were coming up. Aubrey was excited and I told Tammy that Aubrey would be there, dropping hints about what an amazing Belle my Aubrey would be. Tammy caught me off guard when she told me that she thought I should audition as well. The thought to audition had never crossed my mind; I figured I’d help backstage with costumes like I’ve done in the past. Every time our paths crossed and talk of the play came up, Tammy encouraged me to audition. Truthfully, I’d always wanted to do theatre. I’d performed a lot growing up with my high school madrigals group and various church choirs over the years, but I’d never really had the opportunity for theatre.

I didn’t really give much thought to what Tammy said. I figured my days are past; it my children’s turn to have all of these experiences. It wasn’t until the week of auditions that I started to actually consider auditioning. My husband had decided that the show sounded fun and he was going to audition (something completely new for him) and my son, Cody, wanted to audition with his cousin/bff. If everyone else in my family was going to audition, I figured I may as well give it a go!

Auditions

I selected the song, “Colors of the Wind” for my audition and asked Tammy to play the piano for me. I tend to be a little reserved, but when I’m home alone, working in my sewing room and listening to my jams, I really belt it out! I decided that for this audition, I was going to break out of my shell and put myself out there. I felt so out of my element walking into that audition room. My heart was racing and I was more than self-conscious when a panel of six judges were staring at me and essentially making decisions of if I was good enough for any given part. Even though I said I just wanted to be in the background, there was a part of me that was too afraid to admit that I would love to get a good role in the show.

Considering this was my first audition ever and my heart was pounding out of my chest, I felt pretty good about how my audition went. My voice didn’t crack and I gave my best effort, so it felt like a win. I left the room as Aubrey went in to audition and then Jeff and Cody, and we all waited outside to hear if they wanted any of us for call backs. At this point, I was still crossing my fingers that Aubrey would get a call back for Belle or one of the “silly girls”, both of which was what she was hoping for.

Imagine my great surprise when they came back to us and asked Jeff and me to come back later that afternoon for call backs! I felt surprise and excitement…followed by disappointment and heartache for Aubrey, who got no call back. As it turned out, there was only one teenage boy who turned up for auditions which meant that they needed to go with an older cast. They couldn’t cast a 13 year old Belle or silly girl with a 40 year old prince or Gaston…unless they wanted law enforcement to get involved (ha ha). Aubrey was feeling down about it, and then to add insult to injury, they told me they were calling me back for Belle. For BELLE! I felt incredibly guilty and conflicted. I was excited (and a little confused and surprised) to get a call back for Belle, but I couldn’t fully be excited because now my daughter was mad at me for auditioning and getting a call back for the part she wanted.

Not that it mattered, because I knew I wasn’t going to get the role. I was up against four incredibly talented singers who also had the theatre experience that I lacked. I was the little fish in a big pond and after the second call back (and messing up slightly on the song I had learned moments earlier for the call back), I knew I was done. There was a part of me that was terrified at the thought of landing the role of Belle, and a part that daydreamed just a little about what it would be like to be the star of the show.

The Casting

Waiting for the casting email was agonizing. My emotions were all over the place, hoping I would get the part, hoping I wouldn’t get the part; feeling down on myself, knowing that I was nowhere good enough to get the part; annoyed with myself for getting so emotionally involved with it all. Finally, at the end of a very long week, the email came. I wasn’t surprised to see that I wasn’t cast as Belle, but I was slightly crushed to see that all the other Belle auditioners (is that a word?) got main roles except for me. It confirmed my fears that I was the lowest woman on the totem pole. I imagined them all shaking their heads after I left the audition room, sorry that they ever invited me back. I know it all sounds super dramatic, but given the emotional roller coaster I’d been on anyway over the past year, this really played on many of my insecurities.

The consolation, though, was that I was given one of the villager solo parts (as was Jeff). That, and Aubrey wouldn’t have to hate me. I kept reminding myself that I wasn’t going to audition in the first place, so even getting a villager solo was an accomplishment. I accepted the role.

Rehearsals

I’m not even going to lie: the first few weeks were rough. Aubrey had a stinky attitude; her friends that had auditioned with her dropped out of the play and she didn’t really know any of the other girls there. She sat alone at the back of the room, refusing to look at the music and asking every 20 minutes if we could leave. She was upset that we were all doing the show with her; theatre was her thing and she didn’t want us joining her. I was embarrassed and frustrated and was questioning myself if we should all be doing the show. Maybe I should quit. Maybe I should let her quit. But then, the miracles started happening.

Miracle #1

I’d say this was a small miracle but really, maybe it was biggest miracle of all because it completely changed Aubrey’s attitude and, consequently, changed our whole family dynamic in this experience. Somewhere around the third rehearsal, one of the girls (who Aubrey already knew from our ward) invited Aubrey to come sit with her. At first she was hesitant, but she eventually moved her seat and started engaging with the other girls. From that day forward, Aubrey never complained about going to rehearsals. The director was clever in that she grouped roles in age categories. The teenage girls were “napkins” and they also got a feature in the beginning of the show as the dancers at the prince’s ball. Because of this, Aubrey started making friends with the other girls her age and became very excited about the show and her role (especially the costumes she was told she was going to get!) Pretty soon, she didn’t even seem to mind that we were all in the show together anymore!

Miracle #2

I’d mentioned at the beginning of the post how much I’d been struggling since the loss of my mom. I was struggling in so many ways, spirituality and faith being one. For those of you reading who aren’t religious, bear with me on this one; this is simply my takeaway.

There’s a song in the show called “Human Again”. I’d never heard it before these rehearsals and coincidentally, as the one year anniversary of my mom’s passing rolled around and my emotions were all over the place, we began rehearsing this song. The words go a little something like this:

When we’re human again
Only human again
When the girl fin’lly sets us all free

Cheeks a-bloomin’ again
We’re assumin’ again
We’ll resume our long lost joie de vie

The song goes on to talk about all the things these enchanted objects will do once they are human again: dancing, playing, holidaying…and then the final verse says this:

I’ll be all that I was
On that glorious morn
When we’re fin’lly reborn
And we’re all of us human again!

As I sat there and read those words, I suddenly became very choked up. I thought about my mom and thought about the gospel of Jesus Christ. Much like Belle was the hope of the enchanted objects becoming human again, Christ is our hope of the resurrection, of being “all that we were” and restored to our full glory. I don’t have the answers to everything, but I felt a comfort every time I sang those words, that one day we will be “reborn”, or resurrected, and be all that we were, together again. I had no idea that being a part of this play could affect me on a spiritual level, but it helped to bring me some sort of peace during a difficult time.

Miracle #3:

A few weeks into rehearsals, the director mouthed to me that she needed to talk to me after practice. I figured she probably needed some costuming help. As it turns out, one of the three “silly girls” dropped out of the play and they asked me if I would be willing to step in and fill her shoes. I realize I wasn’t first choice; nevertheless, I was very excited that they were extending this opportunity to me!

On our first “silly girl” rehearsal, I learned that we had speaking lines and not only that, we were supposed to be giddy around Gaston, feeling his muscles in one scene and crying and hanging on him in another. It was totally out of my comfort zone and doubt and insecurity started creeping in again. My fellow silly girls were amazing and helped me to grow and stretch myself! I feel like so often, I talk myself out of things and hold myself back because I think I’m not good enough, or I’m not outgoing enough. But as time wore on, I think I got better and more comfortable. I stopped overthinking and just had fun with it! I am so grateful for the opportunity to have this small, but still highlighted, role and for the confidence booster it has been for me.

Show Time!

So many miracles transpired throughout this show; too many to list. From the countless hours of planning and rehearsing, to the set building, to the costumes and props; so many people giving of their time and talents to pull it all together. The last couple of weeks were intense, with long rehearsals and wondering how everything was going to come together. Costuming was a huge undertaking and I spent the last week helping our costume designer finish up costumes (I did two of the silly girl costumes, Gaston’s shirt, Belle’s pink dress, some ball gowns, and other alterations and little things). In the end, it all came together and the show was spectacular! I think most people came to the show with low expectations because it was “just” a church play. They all left with excitement and in awe of how amazing the show was. Our director and producers and crew were absolutely amazing! The set had so many details and was gorgeous. The props, the costumes, the choreography…I am still amazed at how wonderful everything turned out. It was beyond any of our expectations!

We had a full audience every night and it’s estimated that there were about 3,600 people who attended our four showings! I really wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be…except for the dance scene in the tavern; it moves so fast and my brain couldn’t keep up! I was surprised at how much I loved being on stage and how much I embraced my character. It was so exciting to be up there, to hear the audience cheer and react. We got a standing ovation after every show. The only downside to being in the show was that I couldn’t watch my kids on stage. Luckily, there was a professional videographer, so we can watch it later on and relive the magic!

As tiring as the last two weeks have been, they have also been incredible. I have found a lot of joy in watching my children grow in various ways and witnessing these new friendships that have blossomed for both of them. They have both thoroughly enjoyed being a part of this. Jeff and I have also forged some new friendships which we are excited about. It seems like the last two weeks, in all of the rehearsal madness, is when a lot of the bonding really happened. I’m so grateful for the wonderful people I have come to know and love.

I also gained a new appreciation and understanding of what Aubrey goes through, physically and emotionally, in both the rehearsal and audition process, as well as the highs and lows of performing. Moving forward I feel I can relate and be more empathetic to the rollercoaster of theatre life!

We are all a bit sad, now that it’s over, but will definitely be involved when they do another show in a couple of years! I truly believe this was what I needed at the time I needed it. I had no idea going into this how much this experience would mean to me, and to my family, but it is a memory that I will always treasure.