I can’t tell you how many times I have been to weddings or wedding showers where there is a cute little display with notecards, asking guests to write down a piece of wedding advice for the bride and groom to be. You know what I’m talking about, right? When my daughter got married, I did my own variation of the advice cards and I had friends/family at her bridal shower write down their advice on squares of fabric. Afterwards, I sewed those squares, along with pictures that I had printed onto fabric squares, into a quilt that she now hangs on her bedroom wall.
People always have great advice to give:
“Never go to bed angry”
“Choose to love each other, even in moments when you struggle to like each other”
“Give each other space”
“Marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100”
“Never keep secrets from each other”
All of these bits of advice are great words of wisdom and truly do contribute to a successful marriage. But there is one piece of advice that often goes missing. It seems like such a basic idea, yet I can’t tell you how many people I know who struggle with it. My advice to all newlywed couples is simply this: Never stop dating each other.
Sure, it seems easy enough. After all, this is how our relationships begin; dating and spending every waking minute getting to know each other. New relationships are thrilling and exciting! They aren’t governed by responsibilities and life challenges. Then comes the honeymoon phase. Life is still bliss and relatively carefree. When we were newlyweds, we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. Making time for each other was easy. We wanted to be together 24/7 and with our traditional 9-5 jobs, it took very little effort to spend all of our free time in the evenings and on weekends together.
Fast forward a few years to kids…and more kids…and this thing called responsibility, and a whole new world where every-night-date-nights have become a thing of the past. From new babies and sleepless nights and sheer exhaustion, to being pulled in all directions with school and extracirricular activities, to having no babysitter, to having no extra money left in the bank after paying all the bills, to feeling guilty about leaving the kids; date night now takes a large amount of effort to happen. Let’s face it-sometimes we are just too tired and overwhelmed to make it happen!
The problem when you don’t continue to date is that you end up growing apart.
We all change. As life experience kicks in, we gain new insights and perspectives. We are always evolving and [hopefully] growing. I am not the same person that I was 15 years ago. Learning about each other is a continual process and ever changing. We need time away from the hub-bub of life (and nagging children) to talk to one another and connect. One day the kids will grow up and move away and when that day comes, it would be a great tragedy to look at your spouse and see a stranger before you.
Children learn by example!
I learned from the best. My parents had their disagreements just like any other couple, but one thing my parents taught us, through word and action, was to always make your spouse a priority. They went on date nights often and they made it something for us to look forward to as well. Having a babysitter meant pizza and popcorn with a movie night, or endless games of hide-and-go-seek. It was something we looked forward to. Sometimes they went out alone and sometimes they went out with other couples. Whenever they were able, they took a short weekend trip away for their anniversary. I remember being a little sad about this when I was small, but it made me appreciate them more when they came home and they always brought us back a little trinket from wherever they visited, which made everything better!
This past summer, Jeff and I celebrated 15 years of marriage. When we got married, my parent’s advice to us was to keep on dating; no matter how busy life gets, always make time for each other. We made this commitment to each other. We followed my parent’s example and carried on their tradition of regular date nights and going away for a weekend every year to celebrate our anniversary. It hasn’t always been easy, but making it work has always been worth it. Some weeks are long and hard and the light at the end of the tunnel is knowing that I get a night out with my hubby at the end of it! All year long, I look forward to that one weekend away; I wait for it with anticipation and excitement. I think I’m a different person when I am away; I can let my hair down and not worry so much about all of the responsibilities of life. Time away recharges our relationship battery.
With marriage and family values decreasing and divorce on the rise, I feel it is especially important to model to my children what a good marriage should look like. It doesn’t look perfect. There will always be differences of opinion and- dare I say- moments where you get on each other’s nerves. Showing how you handle those differences and how you nurture your marriage relationship is what teaches your children to be successful. Show them that your marriage is top priority.
Don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourselves as a couple.
This past anniversary trip was difficult to take. We had so many obstacles in our way; we had play rehearsal every single weekend, our budget was tight and to make it all worse, my daughter was giving me fits about leaving (she gets a bit of anxiety about being away from home at night and they were spending one night at my dad’s house before my mother-in-law came to our home). I was overwhelmed and ready to throw in the towel and accept that, for the first time in 15 years, a trip just wasn’t in the cards for us. But I also recognized that our marriage needed attention and we needed to keep our commitment and make our relationship a priority.
After shuffling some things around on our calendar and reassuring Aubrey that she would be okay for one night, I took the opportunity to explain to her the importance of parents making time for each other. She’s 13, so she is capable of understanding what it takes to make a marriage work. Our family is our top priority; with that said, it’s important to remember that our family first started with the two of us. If that relationship crumbles, the whole family structure falls apart.
It is not a luxury to make time for your marriage, it’s a necessity!
Life gets busy, I get it. But don’t get so wrapped up in life that you neglect what is most important. Make time for your spouse just like you make time for your children. Go on dates, and don’t let the excuses stop you! Schedule it into your calendar, just like every other activity on your to-do list, and write it in pen so you can’t erase it! If you can’t afford a sitter, exchange babysitting with a friend, or ask a family member to give you a break. Even if it’s a cheap meal and a walk around the mall, take time for just the two of you. Sometimes, a “date” may even mean putting the kids to bed early and planning a romantic dinner on the patio at home or playing games together. There are many ways to stay connected, it just takes effort. It isn’t easy, but guess what? Relationships take work!
When you continue to date your spouse, everything else falls into place. You continue to learn about each other. You build more than just romance, but a deep friendship. When you have those connections, trust, respect, fidelity and everything else just comes naturally.
Thanks for being my eternal date, Babe!
